Annie vs Annie

Dear Erica,

Everyone has seen Annie, right? If not, they must seek it out immediately to find out what they have been missing. Oh wait, I should clarify that I mean the Disney TV remake from 1999 and not the bloated atrocity from the 80's. The Disney version ends on Christmas day and, in the words of Clark Griswold, it's the "hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye." All the bedraggled orphans, including Annie herself, find homes in enormous mansions with filthy rich New York socialites. In retrospect, you know these kids are going to be raised by immigrant nannys, but whatever. At least they will be able to pee in gold plated toilets instead of rusty chamber pots. And they won't have to clean them, either.

Even though it has little to do with Christmas, I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest about the original version. This Annie stars the cloying Aileen Quinn as our hero. Her "aww, shucks" Shirley Temple impression makes it totally understandable why her parents dumped her off at an orphanage. As Miss Hannigan (the evil bitch who runs the orphanage), Carol Burnett wobbles drunkenly throughout the movie, eating the scenery for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And the plot has been so mangled and expanded upon that we often lose track of the story in favor of bizarre action sequences, complete with six feet tall stunt men wearing dresses and red fright wigs in place of our star.

What the Disney remake gets SO RIGHT is focusing in on Annie as a sweet young girl who finds herself alone during the holidays, dreaming of a family as the best Christmas present she could ever receive. This makes the finale, underneath a gigantic evergreen that's been decked out in bright lights and glitter, far more powerful an ending. They keep the entire plot confined to December, which allows our leads to look cozy and warm in their woolen scarves and mittens. The cast is also far more likable. Kathy Bates, Victor Garber, Audra McDonald, Kristin Chenoweth, adorable Alicia Morton as Annie, and even the usually skeezy Alan Cumming, all bring a huge amount of heart and class to a movie brilliantly re-conceptualized as a Christmas story that demands to be enjoyed each and every December.

Till next time,
Bradley