Christmas With the Kranks

Dear Erica,

Typically when actors play mentally retarded characters it means they are grandstanding for awards. Which makes me wonder if Jamie Lee Curtis thought a movie titled Christmas With the Kranks, based on a vapid novella by John Grisham, would somehow land her in contention for an Oscar. Based on her portrayal of Nora Krank, an oddly old fashioned housewife in modern day Chicago, it seems to me she studied Sean Penn's performance in I Am Sam for pointers. Either that or enrolled in acting classes taught by Corky from Life Goes On.

I don't mean to be offensive or politically incorrect, but if you've seen the movie you will know where I'm coming from. The movie is about a couple who, after their daughter goes away to college, decides to skip Christmas in favor of a cruise. The entire neighborhood revolts against the Kranks and does everything in their power to get them into the holiday spirit. Much of the plot revolves around getting an 8 foot Frosty the Snowman perched precariously on their rooftop. Why they are so gung-ho about hoisting this tacky plastic lawn ornament on their roof is unclear in the movie. In the book it's because the neighborhood is involved in a contest for the best decorated street in Chicago. Somehow that plot point got chopped out of the movie, which makes all the neighbors look like raving psychopaths. Perhaps they studied Kathy Bates in Misery for their inspiration. Judging from their total insanity, it's quite possible.

Tim Allen co-stars as Luther Krank. Allen makes 5 or 6 Christmas movies a year, so it's understandable that a rotten one will slip into his filmography. Contrary to what you may be thinking, I'm actually referring to The Santa Clause 3. Wow, that movie sucks. It's a fiasco on an entirely different level than this one. Kranks is dreadful, to be sure, but it's one of those "so bad, it's GREAT" movies. Clause 3 is just deplorable in every way.

Back to the Kranks and Jamie Lee Curtis. Rather than dealing with last minute Christmas arrangements, what the movie should address is Nora's urgent need for medication. Let's take a look at the facts...

1) Her paranoia runs rampant. At one point she crawls on the floor like an army trooper and then hides under the covers because she thinks Dan Ackroyd is spying on her.

2) She's obsessive. At the grocery store she goes ballistic over a hickory honey ham, tackling some old lady in the freezer section.

3) She acts like a child. After said feud at the grocery store, her ham is obliterated by an 18 wheeler and she throws a temper tantrum in the parking lot. She pounds her fists on the concrete and cries for the whole city to hear. Yet she's worried what people think when she's doing her laundry at home?

4) Her fashion sense. At one point she squeezes into a Christmas vest that appears to have been made for a Cocker Spaniel. It would barely fit a mid-sized pooch, let alone her mid-life paunch.

5) She's bat shit crazy. She invites a strange man, who appears to be some sort of creepy pedophile, to her Christmas party. Where children will be present!

Instead of a Christmas party, the neighbors should be holding an intervention for this woman in desperate need of help. Her secret Santa should buy her a straight jacket and commit her to an institution for the holidays. Now THAT would be an interesting movie. Then Jamie Lee Curtis might win an Oscar after all.

Till next time,
Bradley