I'll Be Home for Christmas

Dear Erica,

If ever there was a movie we never tire of ridiculing it would be either You've Got Mail or I'll Be Home for Christmas. Meg Ryan can wait for now because it's Christmas time. So let me sharpen my claws and go after JTT and the many plot holes of IBHFC.

First off, Jonathan Taylor Thomas is attending some weird school that is either for the mentally impaired or absurdly brilliant. It's never made clear if it's a college, university, high school, middle school or sanitarium. You'd never know based on the student body, which is comprised of tweens, teens and fully grown adults. His roommate has a prepubescent croak in his voice and enormous zits. His girlfriend has perky boobs and absolute freedom. It's impossible to deduce what kind of school it is based on the architecture either. There are lockers in the hallways (high school) and they live in co-ed dormitories (university). No matter how many times I watch it, I can never quite make up my mind what kind of education they are getting. Regardless, it's clearly not a very good one based on how stupid they all seem to be.

The wafer thin plot involves JTT getting to his home across the country in order to collect a car, as promised by his father. Of course there are a bazillion obstacles between California and the east coast. I'll get to that later. First his family. What kind of father bribes his son to come home for Christmas with a car? If that's what it takes to get him there, I say good riddance. Although there are very good reasons that he would rather stay in California. First of all, his father has a new wife that quite possibly just graduated from the same school as JTT. She's young and stupid, which are apparently majors at said school. She must have graduated with honors because she thinks knitting some fugly sweater is going to make him like her. He also has a moron for a sister, who helps plot his return in between being really mean and obnoxious. Hence the car, I suppose, because I know I wouldn't be rushing to spend the holidays with these jerks.


The obstacles he faces range from the semi-humorous to the absurd. It's pretty cute when he gets dumped in the desert with a Santa beard glued to his face. "Santa, desert, buzzard, tumbleweed." That's funny stuff. But what about the incident on the bus when he's able to pass off a Reuben sandwich as a body organ on its way to a transplant. For starters, what kind of unhealthy person donates an organ that looks like deli meat? And I would be looking for a new hospital if they send organs via Greyhound. Or what about an evening spent at a Bavarian Village resort hotel? If they can afford a night there, you'd think they could spring for a plane ticket.

Jessica Biel plays his girlfriend. As if. JTT could never land a babe like that. Besides, let's face it, he'd be far happier in a relationship with Ben Savage or one of the Backstreet Boys. Or what about Adam LaVorgna, who plays his arch nemesis Eddie? Now they would make a cute couple. He even rips Eddie's towel off after a shower to take a peek at his taut, naked body. As a side note, why hasn't JTT come out of the closet yet? His career has gone down the tubes, so he could go the Lance Bass or Ricky Martin route and revive his career with this "shocking" news. Someone should tell his publicist to get on this.

Despite it's many, many, many, many, many flaws, Christmas would just not be the same without our annual JTT bashing. This one never fails to put a smile on my face and always makes me feel just that much closer to you, no matter how far away.

Till next time,
Bradley