Mixed Nuts

Dear Erica,

Now that December is not only here, but already 3 days gone, it's time to break out the big artillery. No, I'm not a pistol packing, rifle toting, gun slinging member of the NRA. I'm talking about the Christmas classics that will practically wear out my DVD player from now until the 25th. I might as well cancel my cable subscription for the entire month of December, because it's a constant revolve of one Christmas movie after another around these parts. Starting with the best of them all, Mixed Nuts.


I'll be honest. There is nothing remotely joyous, sentimental or even pleasant about this pitch black comedy from writer/director Nora Ephron. I find it delightful, although I have no idea why. It takes place in the office of a suicide prevention hot line, for crying out loud. It's set in California, which for many reasons beyond the obvious (including sandy Christmases) just happens to be one of my least favorite places on the planet. Adam Sandler is in it, and I'd be hard pressed to come up with anyone else I'd rather smack. Some people call it a turkey, even going so far as to call it the worst Christmas movie of all time. So why does it speak to me on a level that is apparently largely disproportionate to its actual quality?

1) The lovely Nora Ephron. I have not yet seen the original French movie on which it is based. I'd Google the title and provide it here, but I don't particularly feel like opening a new browser. Sorry. Anyways, I have read that it is very funny, which must mean the French find sadism funny. Big surprise there. So that's one point in favor of the French who, to be honest, I generally find to be unpleasant. But that's a whole other blog. Back to my point. While I'm sure the original is funny, I cannot imagine how it could measure up to this American remake, given all the delightful Ephron touches. There I go again using the word delightful. This movie is not delightful at all, but rather the opposite. In a good way. But I don't think they have a word for such a thing, do they? I will read or watch anything Nora Ephron has a hand in. I'd also eat anything she made because, according to herself, she is quite the gourmand. My idea of a great evening would be to watch a Nora Ephron movie with Nora Ephron, have one of of Nora Ephron's books read to me by Nora Ephron and then eat Nora Ephron's meatloaf. This borders on creepy, but there is simply not enough Ephron material to go around. She has written a bunch of movies, directed a lesser number, wrote a few bestselling books and blogs occassionally on the Huffington Post website; however, this is not enough. I don't want to demand this woman work to the bone night and day to provide me with literary, cinematic and culinary pleasures, but I would like to request it. Nora, if you are reading this, and of course you are, make more movies and write more books. I know it's not easy and takes time, but life is short and you are too funny. Okay, I just creeped myself out. Moving on.

2) The lovely Madeline Kahn. It's no secret that cancer is a motherfucking piece of shit that takes all the wrong people. I don't know who the "right people" are, but I know it was certainly not Madeline Kahn. She died tragically a handful of years after this movie came out, robbing us of the funniest kook there ever was. As Mrs. Munchnick, she cavorts among the cast of misfits in what I consider an Academy Award worthy performance. Perhaps my radar is all wrong, but she was twice nominated, for Paper Moon and Blazing Saddles. Okay, the movie might not be Oscar bait, but can you sit there and tell me that she's not just as funny in Mixed Nuts as she was in those other movies? They only ever nominate good performances in good movies. What about good performances in bad movies? Not that this is a bad movie, but everyone else seemed to think so.

3) The lovely Rita Wilson. She will never win an award unless her husband decides to buy her one. But even then it would be difficult to check her name on any ballot. That said, she does her best in this movie. I generally find her to be on par with the best actress at your local community theater. She could knock any Neil Simon play out of the park, co-starring the assistant manager from Pier 1. In a movie with comedy legends, she's slightly out of her league. Nonetheless, I adore her in this movie.

4) The lovely dialogue. Read this passage from the movie. It has nothing to do with anything, but cracks me up every time. And could only have come from the mind of Nora Ephron. "Thank you for calling the Los Angeles Times. If you would like to order a subscription, please press 1. If your newspaper did not arrive this morning, press 2. To place a classified ad, press 3. To speak to the editorial desk, city desk, national desk, international desk, sports desk, metro, view, or calendar sections, press the first three letters of the desk you desire, followed by the star key in the case of the first three or the pound key in the case of the latter five." Um, Writer's Guild of America award anyone?

5) The lovely soundtrack. Along with the movie, the soundtrack plays on a loop, and ranks right up there with Barbra Streisand's classic I'm-Jewish-But-I-Will-Make-Millions Christmas Album. Yet no Grammy award for best soundtrack. For shame.

Now that I have spend the last few paragraphs awarding Mixed Nuts with praise and imaginary accolades, stopping short of the Nobel Prize, I will tell you why I really love this movie. I remember, although my mom does not, watching it for the first time in my sister's living room in Yorkton back when I was in high school. I found a ratty VHS copy of the movie at the newly opened Liquidation World store and convinced my mom to buy it because I saw that "the lady from Clue" was in it. Yes, even at 13 I was a Madeline Kahn fan. News flash: Kids who love Madeline Kahn are not straight. Anyways, I don't even remember what time of year it was, but I am pretty sure it was nowhere near Christmas, yet we sat down together and watched the movie. From start to finish, which is a big accomplishment for the people in my family. I have never, before or since, seen my mom laugh so hard. It kind of makes me sad that she does not remember this huge moment in my life that was merely a passing one in hers. Then again, memories belong only to the ones that have them, and I'm sure there are treasured ones she has about me that I will never recover. But I do know that it made her laugh, and I will never forget how she got the hiccups from watching Madeline Kahn go to the bathroom in front of an audience of weirdos. I like to think I have a good sense of humor, and thanks to this memory, I know where I got it from.


Till next time,
Bradley