The Judy Garland Show Christmas Special

Dear Erica,

Remember when TV shows were brought to you by the sponsors instead of the other way around? Episodes are becoming shorter and shorter so that we can marvel over the many wonders of yogurt and the latest technology in tampons. Well, The Judy Garland Christmas Special comes from a time when there was just one sponsor for each half hour. And the first half of The Judy Garland Show is fittingly brought to you by pills. Sleeping pills to be exact.

Following this announcement is an under-rehearsed, totally bizarre, off-the-hook, madcap Christmas experience. We find ourselves in "Judy's living room," getting her kids Lorna and Joe (also known as "the other two") ready for a big Christmas party. Liza is out with her beau and Jack Jones will be along shortly to perform numbers from his cabaret act. Mel Torme is also set to appear, but that's in the second half hour. We'll see if Judy can last that long before completely falling apart. The odds are not good.

Lorna and Joe each take turns singing, and their lack of musicality explains why Joe dropped out of the business and Lorna writes trashy tell-alls about her childhood. Apparently Liza sucked all the good genes out of Judy's uterus, leaving little to none for her poor siblings. This is when Liza arrives with her beau and they perform a rather lackluster rendition of "Steam Heat." Nothing says Christmas like that little ditty. Once Liza and her beau are sufficiently covered in flop sweat and they encourage Judy to sing, things take a turn for the worse.

Poor Jack Jones. He enters with gusto and looks as if he just walked off the pages of a Sears-Roebuck catalog. You can practically smell the Brylcreem. He gets to sing a solo and blows the audience away. But when it comes time for him to settle on the sofa for a medley with Judy and Liza, it becomes stunningly clear they have never rehearsed the number. It's all downhill from here. Judy clutches onto Jack for dear life, which causes him to blow a lyric. He looks thoroughly embarrassed, but Judy doesn't seem to notice because she has long since checked out. She just sits back in her seat, clapping randomly to some song in her head that is unfortunately not the one they are singing. Jack loses all of his bravado, stammers over some more lyrics, and even goes so far as to loosen his neck tie. For the remainder of the special, he openly glares at Judy for ever inviting him to this party from hell.

Mel Torme finally makes his appearance and it looks as if he just might save the day. His pompous demeanor has never been more welcome because we need to know someone is in charge of things. He accompanies Judy on the piano and seems to be cordial, but when she blows the lyric to The Christmas Song (that HE wrote), he lets her know. Normally one would ignore a mistake like this, especially coming from the namesake of the show, but not Mel. He makes sure we know he did not put one too many syllables in that last bar. Then either because she wanted to get back at him for chastising her on camera, or simply because she was nibbling on samples from the sponsor between songs, she decimates one lyric after another. At one point she goes so far as to sing "where rainbows really know how to fly." Uh, yeah.

Then almost as if the director knew things would be completely amiss at this point, a gaggle of dancing Santas storm the stage. They flail about like kids on Ritalin withdrawal, then disappear as quickly as they came. Something about this odd dance break miraculously seems to calm Judy's nerves. She quickly relaxes, especially now that all her guests have gone the hell home, and settles in for one last song on the sofa with her kids. That's when she sings "Over the Rainbow," and suddenly we are reminded why we love her so much. She knows how to sing a song, damn it, and no matter if she blows a lyric or trips on her choreography, she has that special something that stars are made of. That's when it becomes clear that she genuinely loves her family, loves her audience, and loves her Christmas. No matter what fiasco ensues, Judy is always welcome in my home and it's safe to say everyone else feels that way too.

Till next time,
Bradley