White Christmas

Dear Erica,

1. White Christmas

At one time I found this movie a little dry and even a little boring. Now that I am older, I cherish it in a way that I do no other film. Every single frame speaks to me on a level that I simply cannot explain. Its many joys go beyond Bing Crosby's beautiful voice, Rosemary Clooney's sincere smile, Danny Kaye's hilarious physical antics and Vera Ellen's incredible ability to bend in ways nobody else can. I can't explain what makes it so special, but I suppose it's enough that I know it is.

The entire movie is made up of hundreds of "favorite moments." To pick out a musical number as my favorite would be impossible, but here are a few standouts:

The Best Things Happen While You're Dancing - There is something about watching Vera Ellen and Danny Kaye dance this number that brings tears to my eyes. It's an upbeat moment in the film, but I have found myself needing a tissue on more than one occassion. The reason it makes me cry is Vera Ellen. It's a rare instance that you get to watch someone doing exactly what they have been born to do, and that is exactly what happens during this number. Vera was born to dance and the reason I cry is because there's a glint in her eye shows me that she knows it.

Counting Your Blessings - Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney are two of the best singers of all time. Who knew they could both act so well? The scene where they each "count their blessings instead of sheep" is a master class in both singing and acting, and we are lucky enough to be there for it.

Mandy - Vera Ellen is the best dancer that ever worked in the movies. This number proves it. Her acting is only so-so, but who cares when she is capable of doing back flips down a staircase without even looking.

Sisters - Crosby and Kaye in drag. Enough said.

Love, You Didn't Do Right By Me - This number not only made George Chakiris a star, but it is also the best one in the movie. It's just about as glamorous as a movie musical gets and Rosemary Clooney nails every phrase. And of course there's that dress. Wow.

So after years of gradually climbing my list of favorites, White Christmas not only ranks number one on my Christmas list, but is coming close to taking the top slot on my list of all-time favorites. Watch out Woody Allen and Alfred Hitchcock...there's a holiday flick on your toes and it's gaining ground every day. Or at least every Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Till next year,
Bradley

It's a Wonderful Life

Dear Erica,

2. It's a Wonderful Life

This one fills me to overflowing with the Christmas spirit. Jimmy Stewart's discovery that he really does matter is a moment of genuine thrill that carries over long after the movie has ended. I can't think of my life without this movie. I really cannot.

Till next time,
Bradley

A Christmas Story

Dear Erica,

Only a couple of days until Christmas, so let's move closer to the top of the list...

3. A Christmas Story

"You'll shoot your eye out!" And so it goes. The story of little Ralphie and his family as Christmas draws near is quite possibly one of the best movies of all time. Virtually a series of vignettes tied together with shiny ribbon and a lot of heart, there is not one single moment that we cannot relate to our own childhoods. From eating a bar of soap to licking a frozen flagpole, we have all been there and done that. I cannot say I ever ate Chinese food on Christmas, but there is always time for a new, unexpected moment to transform into a lifelong memory. I can't wait to see what this Christmas has in store...

Till next time,
Bradley

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Dear Erica,

Next on the countdown...

4. A Charlie Brown Christmas

There is just nothing more special that hearing Linus tell the story of the true meaning of Christmas. He nails it, encouraging Charlie Brown to march to the beat of his own drummer. It's retro, it's funny, it's classic.

Till next time,
Bradley

The Polar Express

Dear Erica,

I will now begin the countdown for my top 5 Christmas movies or specials, beginning with (what else?) number 5.

5. The Polar Express

Despite the somewhat eerie motion capture animation in its earliest phase, the story of The Polar Express makes it a special experience that sweeps you away into the brain of a child. I was skeptical that Robert Zemeckis could turn a short childrens' picture book into a feature length film, but I was blown away by each and every frame he had to offer. The creepy human faces aside, it is a visual enchantment that never ceases to be endlessly entertaining.

Every detail, from the enormous Christmas tree at the North Pole to the freckles on the children, comes together in a playful and surprising way. I have said before that being surprised at the movies is something to be cherished. Well, there is much to be cherished here, and should be year after year after year.

Remember that feeling you had a child on Christmas Eve? The one that kept you awake long past your bedtime? The one that woke you before the sun came up? That's exactly the feeling that is evoked by The Polar Express, and is the reason it will someday be regarded as a classic. It may not be the movie Robert Zemeckis is most revered for; that would be Forrest Gump or Back to the Future. But mark my words, when he dies and volumes of books are written about this period in film history, it will be the one he is remembered for. And for good reason. It's our generation's Wizard of Oz. And that one took a while to become the classic it is today.

Till next time,
Bradley

50 Posts

Dear Erica,

I just hit 50 posts and cannot believe I have not missed a day! What's even more surprising is that I still have more movies to watch than there are days left. How does this happen every year? I was being so good and ambitious this time around. I even spent extra time writing about it. Oh well, it has been great fun and I guess some will have to wait for next year.

I am taking today off from Christmas movies in favor of work and then shopping, but since tomorrow is only 5 days from THE BIG DAY, I am going to start a countdown of my top five favorite Christmas movies. Everyone loves lists, including me, so stay tuned for number FIVE tomorrow....

Till next time,
Bradley

A Garfield Christmas

Dear Erica,

It's hard to believe that it was almost 30 years ago that Garfield took over the world. He was everywhere. Newspapers carried his strip at the top of the page. He had books in every gas station. He had calendars, T-shirts, posters and dolls. He was stuck to far too many car windshields. So what happened?

The 90s, that's what. He was a passing fad, replaced by The Far Side and Calvin and Hobbes. But both of those comic strips have long since died. So why, oh why, and HOW, is Garfield still being drawn? It isn't funny. It never was funny. I loved it as a child, but looking back on it, I have no idea why. Garfield is stupid and ugly. Jon is stupid and ugly. Odie is...well, he's pretty cute. But stupid. I am sad to report that I owned almost all of the Garfield treasuries as a child. I honestly don't know what happened to them, but I can only guess that they hurled themselves into a Hefty bag out of absolute shame.

What I am getting at is that no matter how bad the actual comic strip was, and is, they also made a TV version on Saturday mornings. Garfield and Friends was my version of Must-See-TV. And you know why? It's actually funny. It's actually cute. It's actually a good cartoon. I think you really need to hear Garfield's voice (the fabulous Lorenzo Music) for his sass and snark to come through.

A Garfield Christmas is the very best of all the TV episodes. Not only is it gut-bustingly funny, but it also has some of the sweetest family moments I have ever seen. There is a scene in particular that is genuinely touching because it is played with nary a hint of schmaltz; Grandma sits in her rocking chair with Garfield on her lap, wistfully reminiscing about the last Christmas with her husband. I can barely get through writing this sentence without bursting into tears. And I rarely cry.


This is when Garfield is at his very best. He does not make a snide comment, but instead sits patiently on Grandma's lap and does what only a cat can do. He really shouldn't be starring in newspaper comic strips, but he can leap into my lap any time he pleases.

Till next time,
Bradley

Mrs Santa Claus

Dear Erica,

I am a little old lady. There, I said it. I find no shame in this fact. Although that would imply that it's some sort of dirty secret. Which it most certainly is not. I do not hide my Murder She Wrote DVD collection when I have guests over. I wrap myself in an afghan from time to time. I use Oil of Olay twice a day, and have since I was 20. So long as I don't invite people over to snuggle with me under my afghan while we solve crime with Jessica Fletcher, and then offer them dollops of Oil of Olay between episodes, I see no harm in embracing my inner bitty.

I look forward to my annual viewing of Mrs Santa Claus much in the same way one anticipates a trip to Disneyland or the last day of school. Not only do I get a Christmas movie, but one starring my favorite old gal, Angela Lansbury. I have imaginary conversations with Angie (she likes it when I call her that) and the two of us have become fast friends. We have discussed at great length her performance as Mrs Claus. She loved the departure from her TV series because, as she puts it: "There were no corpses." That's a good thing, too, because that poor woman has seen enough murder and mayhem for a lifetime.

She is marvelous in this cheery original musical. It's very rare for there to be new musicals on stage these days, let alone the tube. So what a treat that Jerry Herman was given the chance to write a show that he would never have been given the opportunity to do in the theatre. The days of his lilting ballads and leading lady showstoppers have long passed in favor of jukebox musicals made up of songs from unemployed rock bands. Herman has written some of the loveliest musical scores of all time; Hello Dolly, Mame, La Cage Aux Folles, and Mack and Mabel to name a few. While all of these are lovely, none of their music comes close to being as enchanting as the ditties he composed for this North Pole extravaganza. Every song is endlessly hummable and I admit that while I only watch this movie once a year, I listen to the soundtrack constantly.

CBS used to air this every Christmas, but they have not done so in quite some time. Finding the DVD is also somewhat of a challenge, as shelves are not adorned with it in December as they are with Scrooged or Home Alone. Of course it is available for purchase on Amazon, but I worry that the target clientele for this movie have never heard of any other Amazon than the river in South America. I beg you to snap up any copies you come across and donate them to the nearest nursing home. The old folks will be tapping their toes joyfully throughout the holidays, although it should be explained first that they needn't be worried because nobody is going to kill Santa Claus. Nor do they have to keep up with the elves for possible suspects. As for me, I just might watch it twice this year. And also try my hand at knitting.

Till next time,
Bradley

All I Want for Christmas

Dear Erica,

I have fond childhood memories of this movie, although I had not seen it since I was probably 11 or 12 years old. Tonight it was on TV so I warmed up a cup of hot cocoa, poured a bowl of holiday nuts and bolts, and curled up on the couch for what promised to be a spirited walk down memory lane. Unfortunately I was punk'd.

This is an awful, boring, mean spirited, badly acted, hideous mess. I can see why I probably liked it as a kid, since it's told from the perspective of two children. But watching it now as an adult, I just want to shake the kids and tell them they are being completely unreasonable. Why would they want the two parents they have, let alone want them together? Their mom is a self-righteous bitch and their dad forces them into slave labor at his diner. And they enjoy it? Yeah freaking right. And don't even get me started on mom's new boyfriend. Kevin Nealon is the kind of man you leave, not the one you leave someone for.

The only saving grace here is Lauren Bacall. She has some truly funny moments, but they are the only funny moments. The rest of the movie is all about arguments and working. I'm usually easy on kid actors, but Thora Birch never stops "acting" her little heart out. It's totally gross. And what about Leslie Nielsen as Santa Claus? I love him, and am still pretty sad that he just died, but he gives me the creeps as the man in the big red suit.

I drifted off about half way through and eventually turned it off. That's probably a good thing because now I can still be left with fond childhood memories of half a movie rather than none at all.

Till next time,
Bradley

Elf

Dear Erica,

The stars aligned for this pitch perfect comedy that combines Will Farrell's juvenile sense of humor with sharp and witty repartee. Not only that, the entire movie is brimming with glee in a way no other movie has since. In a way it's unfortunate that such a terrific movie is a Christmas one because this is something I could watch repeatedly throughout the year. But I do save it for the holidays because that makes it so much more special.


Whoever decided to cast Bob Newhart as Papa Elf should go down in history as the best casting director of all time. His stammering father routine plays marvelously with Farrell's jubilant elf characterization. Also on board are Zooey Deschanel, who is truly lovely, and Ed Asner also perfectly cast as Santa Claus. I love Charles Durning, but it's great to see him step aside to allow others to play Santa.

There is truly nothing I would change about this movie. It surprised me, which is something movies rarely do for me anymore. To be surprised at the movies is a rare thing that should be cherished. Believe me, I do. And did with this one.

Till next time,
Bradley

I'll Be Home for Christmas

Dear Erica,

If ever there was a movie we never tire of ridiculing it would be either You've Got Mail or I'll Be Home for Christmas. Meg Ryan can wait for now because it's Christmas time. So let me sharpen my claws and go after JTT and the many plot holes of IBHFC.

First off, Jonathan Taylor Thomas is attending some weird school that is either for the mentally impaired or absurdly brilliant. It's never made clear if it's a college, university, high school, middle school or sanitarium. You'd never know based on the student body, which is comprised of tweens, teens and fully grown adults. His roommate has a prepubescent croak in his voice and enormous zits. His girlfriend has perky boobs and absolute freedom. It's impossible to deduce what kind of school it is based on the architecture either. There are lockers in the hallways (high school) and they live in co-ed dormitories (university). No matter how many times I watch it, I can never quite make up my mind what kind of education they are getting. Regardless, it's clearly not a very good one based on how stupid they all seem to be.

The wafer thin plot involves JTT getting to his home across the country in order to collect a car, as promised by his father. Of course there are a bazillion obstacles between California and the east coast. I'll get to that later. First his family. What kind of father bribes his son to come home for Christmas with a car? If that's what it takes to get him there, I say good riddance. Although there are very good reasons that he would rather stay in California. First of all, his father has a new wife that quite possibly just graduated from the same school as JTT. She's young and stupid, which are apparently majors at said school. She must have graduated with honors because she thinks knitting some fugly sweater is going to make him like her. He also has a moron for a sister, who helps plot his return in between being really mean and obnoxious. Hence the car, I suppose, because I know I wouldn't be rushing to spend the holidays with these jerks.


The obstacles he faces range from the semi-humorous to the absurd. It's pretty cute when he gets dumped in the desert with a Santa beard glued to his face. "Santa, desert, buzzard, tumbleweed." That's funny stuff. But what about the incident on the bus when he's able to pass off a Reuben sandwich as a body organ on its way to a transplant. For starters, what kind of unhealthy person donates an organ that looks like deli meat? And I would be looking for a new hospital if they send organs via Greyhound. Or what about an evening spent at a Bavarian Village resort hotel? If they can afford a night there, you'd think they could spring for a plane ticket.

Jessica Biel plays his girlfriend. As if. JTT could never land a babe like that. Besides, let's face it, he'd be far happier in a relationship with Ben Savage or one of the Backstreet Boys. Or what about Adam LaVorgna, who plays his arch nemesis Eddie? Now they would make a cute couple. He even rips Eddie's towel off after a shower to take a peek at his taut, naked body. As a side note, why hasn't JTT come out of the closet yet? His career has gone down the tubes, so he could go the Lance Bass or Ricky Martin route and revive his career with this "shocking" news. Someone should tell his publicist to get on this.

Despite it's many, many, many, many, many flaws, Christmas would just not be the same without our annual JTT bashing. This one never fails to put a smile on my face and always makes me feel just that much closer to you, no matter how far away.

Till next time,
Bradley

The Judy Garland Show Christmas Special

Dear Erica,

Remember when TV shows were brought to you by the sponsors instead of the other way around? Episodes are becoming shorter and shorter so that we can marvel over the many wonders of yogurt and the latest technology in tampons. Well, The Judy Garland Christmas Special comes from a time when there was just one sponsor for each half hour. And the first half of The Judy Garland Show is fittingly brought to you by pills. Sleeping pills to be exact.

Following this announcement is an under-rehearsed, totally bizarre, off-the-hook, madcap Christmas experience. We find ourselves in "Judy's living room," getting her kids Lorna and Joe (also known as "the other two") ready for a big Christmas party. Liza is out with her beau and Jack Jones will be along shortly to perform numbers from his cabaret act. Mel Torme is also set to appear, but that's in the second half hour. We'll see if Judy can last that long before completely falling apart. The odds are not good.

Lorna and Joe each take turns singing, and their lack of musicality explains why Joe dropped out of the business and Lorna writes trashy tell-alls about her childhood. Apparently Liza sucked all the good genes out of Judy's uterus, leaving little to none for her poor siblings. This is when Liza arrives with her beau and they perform a rather lackluster rendition of "Steam Heat." Nothing says Christmas like that little ditty. Once Liza and her beau are sufficiently covered in flop sweat and they encourage Judy to sing, things take a turn for the worse.

Poor Jack Jones. He enters with gusto and looks as if he just walked off the pages of a Sears-Roebuck catalog. You can practically smell the Brylcreem. He gets to sing a solo and blows the audience away. But when it comes time for him to settle on the sofa for a medley with Judy and Liza, it becomes stunningly clear they have never rehearsed the number. It's all downhill from here. Judy clutches onto Jack for dear life, which causes him to blow a lyric. He looks thoroughly embarrassed, but Judy doesn't seem to notice because she has long since checked out. She just sits back in her seat, clapping randomly to some song in her head that is unfortunately not the one they are singing. Jack loses all of his bravado, stammers over some more lyrics, and even goes so far as to loosen his neck tie. For the remainder of the special, he openly glares at Judy for ever inviting him to this party from hell.

Mel Torme finally makes his appearance and it looks as if he just might save the day. His pompous demeanor has never been more welcome because we need to know someone is in charge of things. He accompanies Judy on the piano and seems to be cordial, but when she blows the lyric to The Christmas Song (that HE wrote), he lets her know. Normally one would ignore a mistake like this, especially coming from the namesake of the show, but not Mel. He makes sure we know he did not put one too many syllables in that last bar. Then either because she wanted to get back at him for chastising her on camera, or simply because she was nibbling on samples from the sponsor between songs, she decimates one lyric after another. At one point she goes so far as to sing "where rainbows really know how to fly." Uh, yeah.

Then almost as if the director knew things would be completely amiss at this point, a gaggle of dancing Santas storm the stage. They flail about like kids on Ritalin withdrawal, then disappear as quickly as they came. Something about this odd dance break miraculously seems to calm Judy's nerves. She quickly relaxes, especially now that all her guests have gone the hell home, and settles in for one last song on the sofa with her kids. That's when she sings "Over the Rainbow," and suddenly we are reminded why we love her so much. She knows how to sing a song, damn it, and no matter if she blows a lyric or trips on her choreography, she has that special something that stars are made of. That's when it becomes clear that she genuinely loves her family, loves her audience, and loves her Christmas. No matter what fiasco ensues, Judy is always welcome in my home and it's safe to say everyone else feels that way too.

Till next time,
Bradley

The Santa Clause

Dear Erica,

There are three Santa Clause movies. 1, 2 and 3. This is also the order I would rank them. And there is only one good thing about each of them.


The Santa Clause - Tim Allen. He is terrific in the first one, banking on his Home Improvement popularity and persona. He wears out his welcome, however, by the time the second one arrived in theaters.


The Santa Clause 2 - Molly Shannon. She is hilarious as the date from hell and her five minutes on screen makes the whole 90 minutes worth watching. Which is saying something.


The Santa Clause 3 - Ann Margret. I will watch (and enjoy) almost anything this woman is in, particularly if she is costumed in cozy sweaters that hug her bust. Sadly she is not reason enough to go near this atrocity.

Till next time,
Bradley

The Family Man

Dear Erica,

As a rule, I do not like Nicholas Cage. His hair nowadays gives me the creeps and he's had so many face lifts that it looks like he swallowed his forehead. There are two exceptions to my rule: Moonstruck and The Family Man.

The Family Man tells the oft told tale of a man whose life is suddenly ripped from him in favor of a "what things could have been" scenario had he only chosen another path. Instead of being one of the richest men in New York City, he is suddenly thrust into a life in the suburbs living paycheck to paycheck. What's missing in his reality is a family and in his fantasy life that's all he really has.

What follows is the usual "how to change a diaper" and "fall in love with my wife all over again" routines. But when Cage is as charming as he is here, and is backed up by the lovely Tea (what is she doing with sex addict David Duchovny?) Leoni, it's a real treat from start to finish.

Till next time,
Bradley

A Redbird Christmas

Dear Erica,

My friend James loaned me a copy of Fannie Flagg's Christmas novel, A Redbird Christmas, and it turned out to be a revelation. Not only did it get me in the holiday spirit even more than I already was, but it has inspired me to get off my lazy ass and start writing again!


There are many books on how to be a writer. One can enroll in scholarly lessons about the craft of writing. There are even instructional DVDs on the subject. What none of these books, classes or movies can teach a person is how to write a simple sentence. That is a gift bestowed upon few and I am absolutely convinced it cannot be taught. Fannie Flagg has been blessed with this gift and it has never been on such grand display as in this charming novel about a year spent in rural Alabama.

Fannie Flagg may best be known as a panelist on The Match Game in the 70's. She was always in the sixth and final seat, which is definitely the most difficult position. By the time the game reached her, all the clever and witty answers had already been given by the racist actor in seat one, Brett Somers in two, Charles Nelson Reilly in three, whatever blond twit Richard Dawson was screwing in seat 4, and Richard Dawson in seat 5. Yet Flagg always managed to top all their quips when the question was begging for a double entendre, or provide the contestant with a win if the score was close. If the question was "______ Willow," you can imagine the possibilities. Two come to mind. She was brilliant on that show; a fact that is often ignored because so much was made of her perky jugs in lieu of her enormous brain.

I have read two other Flagg novels. Her most notable is undoubtedly Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe. That one was turned into a fantastic film starring Kathy Bates and Jessica Tandy, even if it did glaze over the lesbian aspect of the plot. What always amazes me is her ability to write the elusive "simple sentence." By simple, I do not mean bland or elementary. Rather, it's the ability to succinctly put into words a mood and intention in as few words as possible. In the case of A Redbird Christmas, she has managed to write an entire novel made up of such glorious sentences. There is not a single moment that rings untrue, and its world is populated with rich characters and intriguing circumstances.

A plot description would never do this book justice, so I encourage you to find a copy for yourself and indulge in its pages that are reminiscent of a warm family memory. There you will meet Oswald T. Campbell, an orphan named after a can of tomato soup; Patsy, a crippled young girl with one wish for Christmas; and Jack, the mischievous Redbird who brings the entire community together. I'll put myself in Flagg's seat for a moment and proclaim that it's "______ing Awesome."

Till next time,
Bradley

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Dear Erica,

The idea of stop motion animation completely fries my brain. I am patient up to a point, but the thought of moving little dolls a fraction of an inch dozens of times a day over the course of a year makes me want to find the nearest cliff and jump off. Thankfully I did not have to make Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, but instead get to enjoy its wealth of warm humor and homosexual agenda.

Say what? That's right. Long before Will and Grace "broke ground for gays on TV," there was Rudolph and Hermie the Elf. The two (gay) misfits travel across the tundra together and fall in (gay) love. They even spend a (gay) night together. Historically Rudolph is an outcast because of his shiny nose, but when it comes down to it, he is just a big sissy who has been traumatized by his chauvinistic father who would rather he be mackin' on every female in sight. But Rudolph wants none of this. He would rather stay at home with his subservient mother or shack up with the only other gay at the North Pole.

One might say I am projecting my own feelings onto Rudolph, and they could be right. But Hermie is another matter entirely. There is no other conclusion to be drawn from his appearance and actions except that he is a flaming queen on the prowl for some Arctic tail. He has the sixties version of gay bangs, a nasal voice that borders on a lisp, extreme opinions about the decor of the workshop, and is dressed with more finesse than the other elves. He also has no interest in making toys and would rather be a dentist. My guess is that the CBS censors swooped in at the last minute and had them loop "dentist" over "hair dresser" or "ballerina."

Long before Harvey Milk and Cyndi Lauper began standing up for gay rights, Rankin and Bass were blazing the trail with cotton fiber snow and little flocked reindeer. I mean, just consider for a moment what really happens in this story. Rudolph and Hermie save Christmas. You go, girls.

Till next time,
Bradley

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Dear Erica,

It's sort of sad to see that Chevy Chase's career has gone down the crapper, Beverly D'Angelo has vanished from the face of the earth and Randy Quaid is now a raving psychopath. Twenty some odd years ago the three of them teamed up to make what was the modern Christmas classic until Elf came along to take the title.

It's impossible to pick out my favorite scenes because they are all hysterical. It all starts out in true John Hughes fashion with some awful exposition followed by an absurd sequence of comic misfortune. In this case, as the family goes to chop down a Christmas tree, a pre-Big Bang Theory Johnny Galecki asks a clunky question along the lines of: "Tell me again, why are we going into the forest?" Of course it's so that we, the audience, can follow along. But what he should really be saying is: "Dad, I am totally stupid and have short term memory loss." I don't think the complexities of a National Lampoon plot need to be explained. No matter, it gets the job done, even if it does make you feel like a moron for a split second. What follows is a paint-by-numbers comedy of errors, yet the cast rises above the insipid material and makes it fly far better than it really should be.

I said I could not pick out my favorite scenes, but now I think I have one for you. I love when Chevy Chase gets locked in the attic and watches old family movies, swathed in a ratty fur coat, fuchsia gloves and turquoise turban. I also love Beverly D'Angelo's inappropriate top that she wears during the big finale. I bet you never noticed it before, but pop it in and take another look. It may look prim at first glance, but her tits are practically spilling out from a gaping hole at her bust. Then there is Randy Quaid, who gets my absolute favorite line in the entire movie: "Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so."

This movie has become a Christmas tradition for millions. It's too bad it marked the end of a golden era for Chevy, Beverly and Randy. It's not like I stay awake nights wondering about what happened to them. That would be like losing sleep over concerns about who bought the Queen of England's tampons. Think about it. She had them, but where did she get them? And what brand? Or size? Anyways, it's best to forget their descent into oblivion and instead enjoy their grand contribution to the Christmas season.


Till next time,
Bradley

Comfort and Joy

Dear Erica,

While wrapping presents it's nice to watch something I have either seen a million times or something that does not require much brain activity. For this Lifetime TV movie from a few years back it would be the latter. Nancy McKeon sheds her butch Facts of Life persona and becomes a high-powered business woman in desperate need of some Christmas cheer.

Aren't the women in these movies always high-powered business women? They never clarify what their jobs actually are, but they all carry briefcases and have picture windows behind their desks. Come to think of it, I think they use the same set in every Lifetime TV movie. It's just a matter of swapping out Nancy McKeon for Dana Delaney. And they always have a black assistant to ask them just the right questions so us viewers at home can get the scoop on their lives. Invariably they have strained relationships with their colorful parents and a deadbeat boyfriend. You gotta love a good Lifetime movie.

What's nice about Comfort and Joy is that it actually has a lot of Christmas heart. I wouldn't suggest going out of your way to find this on DVD, but it's certainly worth flipping on if you happen to see it on the tube and have some wrapping to do.

Till next time,
Bradley

The Honeymooners

Dear Erica,

I Love Lucy is obviously one of my favorite TV shows ever, and this year in particular I have been catching up on everything Lucille Ball. I watched Mame for the first time and despite all the bad reviews and rotten reputation, I found it to be delightful. The Lucy Show has arrived, at long last, on DVD. I've also been going through episodes of Here's Lucy, her last success on the tube. That one co-stars her two children, who are not exactly trained thespians. Yet there's a certain charm about seeing her enthusiastically try and make them seem somewhat decent. What I noticed, however, is the lack of any good Christmas episodes on any of these shows. She tried, but not a single one of them are as funny as a typical Lucy episode. So instead I like to watch the Christmas episode of The Honeymooners, which despite only having the opportunity to air one December, nailed the sentiment of Christmas.

Ralph and Alice Kramden lived in a run-down apartment and had very little money to throw around at Christmas, or any time of year for that matter. This leads to a variation on the Gift of the Magi story that is often regurgitated at least once in the run of every TV show. Heck, even Bert and Ernie had their turn over on Sesame Street. Remember that one? Bert sells his paper clip collection to get Ernie a dish for his rubber duckie, but Ernie sells his duckie to get Bert a box for his paper clips. It's really cute, too. But back to the Kramdens.

Ralph has been a schmuck and spend the money he had saved on a bowling ball for himself. He realizes on Christmas Eve that the gift he picked out for Alice is truly lousy, so he takes the ball to a pawn shop to buy her a better gift. But what has Alice gotten for Ralph? You guessed it! A bowling ball bag. Or as he puts it in a flubbed line, "a bowling bag ball." Okay, okay. You might be saying to yourself that this story is lame and you've seen it a million times. And you would be right. What you don't know is that you have never seen it as sweet and genuine as played by the incomparable Jackie Gleason and Audrey Meadows.

Jackie Gleason is known for being a bellowing loud mouth jerk most of the time, with a pompous demeanor and aggressive walk. But what he really was deep down was a giant teddy bear with the generous heart of a five year old. At the end of the episode he professes his love for Alice in what I think is the most lovely delivery of any speech ever captured on film. Laurence Olivier was great in all of his many Shakespeare roles, but even he would be envious of the honesty that comes from the lips of one Jackie Gleason in this truly beautiful scene. I get all choked up just thinking about it. I wish The Honeymooners would have gotten as much international play as I Love Lucy has over the last 60 years because it broke as much ground and plays as well today as it ever did.

Till next time,
Bradley

The Bishop's Wife

Dear Erica,

Penny Marshall remade this Christmas classic in the 90's as The Preacher's Wife, starring a pre-crack Whitney Houston. I saw it in the middle of February for a couple bucks in a second run movie theater, which is about what it deserved. What it really should have been called was The Preachy Wife because it slaps you in the forehead with all kinds of gag inducing morals. And it certainly has nothing on The Bishop's Wife, starring Cary Grant, Loretta Young and David Niven.

Cary Grant has been quoted as saying: "Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant." Well, add me to that list. There is something so perfect about him, even though I have never been able to quite put my finger on what that is. Perhaps that's the allure. He has something magical about him that's so far beyond the "it factor" that it makes him somehow untouchable. And while George Clooney is coming close these days, he remains in a league all his own. James Stewart had Harvey to best show his gentle side, and Grant in turn had The Bishop's Wife. As the angel named Dudley, he is truly magical in every way.

Normally I can take or leave Loretta Young. She never really captured my interest, but she is captivating in the title role. It's easy to see why Cary Grant falls in love with her, which just happens to be his cue to leave since she is married to the bishop after all.


This is not on the same level as It's a Wonderful Life, but what is? Still it's a low key Christmas classic that gently takes its time and fills your heart with a healthy dose of warm fuzzies.

Till next time,
Bradley

Starbucks

Dear Erica,


The holidays really are not the holidays until I've had a cup of one of Starbucks' designer Christmas coffees. I'm partial to lattes, of either the eggnog or gingerbread variety. A co-worker brought me a peppermint mocha which, despite my usual stance that peppermint belongs only in toothpaste, was very yummy. One fail this year is the caramel brule latte. It tasted a little too much like a Werther's Original. And while I am elderly in many of my tastes, I am not a fan of Werther's. I always thought they were old man medication. Anyways, I hope you will head to Starbucks for an overpriced holiday treat and think of me.

Till next time,
Bradley

Mixed Nuts

Dear Erica,

Now that December is not only here, but already 3 days gone, it's time to break out the big artillery. No, I'm not a pistol packing, rifle toting, gun slinging member of the NRA. I'm talking about the Christmas classics that will practically wear out my DVD player from now until the 25th. I might as well cancel my cable subscription for the entire month of December, because it's a constant revolve of one Christmas movie after another around these parts. Starting with the best of them all, Mixed Nuts.


I'll be honest. There is nothing remotely joyous, sentimental or even pleasant about this pitch black comedy from writer/director Nora Ephron. I find it delightful, although I have no idea why. It takes place in the office of a suicide prevention hot line, for crying out loud. It's set in California, which for many reasons beyond the obvious (including sandy Christmases) just happens to be one of my least favorite places on the planet. Adam Sandler is in it, and I'd be hard pressed to come up with anyone else I'd rather smack. Some people call it a turkey, even going so far as to call it the worst Christmas movie of all time. So why does it speak to me on a level that is apparently largely disproportionate to its actual quality?

1) The lovely Nora Ephron. I have not yet seen the original French movie on which it is based. I'd Google the title and provide it here, but I don't particularly feel like opening a new browser. Sorry. Anyways, I have read that it is very funny, which must mean the French find sadism funny. Big surprise there. So that's one point in favor of the French who, to be honest, I generally find to be unpleasant. But that's a whole other blog. Back to my point. While I'm sure the original is funny, I cannot imagine how it could measure up to this American remake, given all the delightful Ephron touches. There I go again using the word delightful. This movie is not delightful at all, but rather the opposite. In a good way. But I don't think they have a word for such a thing, do they? I will read or watch anything Nora Ephron has a hand in. I'd also eat anything she made because, according to herself, she is quite the gourmand. My idea of a great evening would be to watch a Nora Ephron movie with Nora Ephron, have one of of Nora Ephron's books read to me by Nora Ephron and then eat Nora Ephron's meatloaf. This borders on creepy, but there is simply not enough Ephron material to go around. She has written a bunch of movies, directed a lesser number, wrote a few bestselling books and blogs occassionally on the Huffington Post website; however, this is not enough. I don't want to demand this woman work to the bone night and day to provide me with literary, cinematic and culinary pleasures, but I would like to request it. Nora, if you are reading this, and of course you are, make more movies and write more books. I know it's not easy and takes time, but life is short and you are too funny. Okay, I just creeped myself out. Moving on.

2) The lovely Madeline Kahn. It's no secret that cancer is a motherfucking piece of shit that takes all the wrong people. I don't know who the "right people" are, but I know it was certainly not Madeline Kahn. She died tragically a handful of years after this movie came out, robbing us of the funniest kook there ever was. As Mrs. Munchnick, she cavorts among the cast of misfits in what I consider an Academy Award worthy performance. Perhaps my radar is all wrong, but she was twice nominated, for Paper Moon and Blazing Saddles. Okay, the movie might not be Oscar bait, but can you sit there and tell me that she's not just as funny in Mixed Nuts as she was in those other movies? They only ever nominate good performances in good movies. What about good performances in bad movies? Not that this is a bad movie, but everyone else seemed to think so.

3) The lovely Rita Wilson. She will never win an award unless her husband decides to buy her one. But even then it would be difficult to check her name on any ballot. That said, she does her best in this movie. I generally find her to be on par with the best actress at your local community theater. She could knock any Neil Simon play out of the park, co-starring the assistant manager from Pier 1. In a movie with comedy legends, she's slightly out of her league. Nonetheless, I adore her in this movie.

4) The lovely dialogue. Read this passage from the movie. It has nothing to do with anything, but cracks me up every time. And could only have come from the mind of Nora Ephron. "Thank you for calling the Los Angeles Times. If you would like to order a subscription, please press 1. If your newspaper did not arrive this morning, press 2. To place a classified ad, press 3. To speak to the editorial desk, city desk, national desk, international desk, sports desk, metro, view, or calendar sections, press the first three letters of the desk you desire, followed by the star key in the case of the first three or the pound key in the case of the latter five." Um, Writer's Guild of America award anyone?

5) The lovely soundtrack. Along with the movie, the soundtrack plays on a loop, and ranks right up there with Barbra Streisand's classic I'm-Jewish-But-I-Will-Make-Millions Christmas Album. Yet no Grammy award for best soundtrack. For shame.

Now that I have spend the last few paragraphs awarding Mixed Nuts with praise and imaginary accolades, stopping short of the Nobel Prize, I will tell you why I really love this movie. I remember, although my mom does not, watching it for the first time in my sister's living room in Yorkton back when I was in high school. I found a ratty VHS copy of the movie at the newly opened Liquidation World store and convinced my mom to buy it because I saw that "the lady from Clue" was in it. Yes, even at 13 I was a Madeline Kahn fan. News flash: Kids who love Madeline Kahn are not straight. Anyways, I don't even remember what time of year it was, but I am pretty sure it was nowhere near Christmas, yet we sat down together and watched the movie. From start to finish, which is a big accomplishment for the people in my family. I have never, before or since, seen my mom laugh so hard. It kind of makes me sad that she does not remember this huge moment in my life that was merely a passing one in hers. Then again, memories belong only to the ones that have them, and I'm sure there are treasured ones she has about me that I will never recover. But I do know that it made her laugh, and I will never forget how she got the hiccups from watching Madeline Kahn go to the bathroom in front of an audience of weirdos. I like to think I have a good sense of humor, and thanks to this memory, I know where I got it from.


Till next time,
Bradley

Darlene Love on Letterman

Dear Erica,

David Letterman has Darlene Love on practically every Christmas to sing one of my all time favorite songs. Here she is from last year. It's so sweet and genuine that I get a tear in my eye every time I watch it. May every day the whole year long be as happy as this!



Till next time,
Bradley

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Dear Erica,

No time for a movie today, but here is something to annoy you all day...



Till next time,
Bradley

The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation

Dear Erica,

ABC Family is once again up to no good with this craptacular TV movie, complete with talking dogs. Yet I subjected myself to it for some ungodly reason. All you need to know is that the main dogs are played by Paris Hilton and Mario Lopez. It's a toss up as to which one of them I hate more. I suppose I will have to call it even and just let you watch the trailer to see what I put myself through.



Till next time,
Bradley

30 Rock: Ludachristmas

Dear Erica,

Elaine Stritch is some sort of genius. Andy and I saw her at the State Theatre in Minneapolis a handful of years ago, performing in a one woman show about her life. It was astounding to watch this woman in her eighties singing, dancing and acting with all the verve in the world. Although I guess if you don't give it your all when it's the story of your life, when will you?

My favorite 30 Rock episode, although this changes daily and should not be considered definitive, is "Ludachristmas." Stritch has since made annual appearances on episodes of the show thanks to her memorable portrayal of Jack Donaghy's mother in this one. She even won an Emmy for it, and deservedly so. I'd show you a clip from the show, but I wouldn't want to spoil it in case you haven't seen it yet. And if you have not, stop reading, slap yourself and buy the DVD immediately. Instead, I want to share a video of her accepting an Emmy Award. This is not the Emmy she won for 30 Rock, but rather the one she nabbed for the screen version of the aforementioned stage show about her life. It's one of the greatest acceptance speeches of all time...



For the record, my other favorite 30 Rock episode is "Rosemary's Baby" starring comedy legend Carrie Fisher. Oh, and "Subway Hero" starring comedy legend Tim Conway. Or "Gavin Volure" starring comedy legend Steve Martin. Oh, who am I kidding? I love them all, each starring future comedy legend Tina Fey.

Till next time,
Bradley

Home Alone

Dear Erica,

Yesterday I wrote about how much I love Home Alone 2, and then I put in the original tonight. I wasn't lying, I still prefer the hi-jinks in the hotel; however, when it comes down to it, Home Alone (1) is a far superior movie. Macaulay Culkin is younger and cuter. He doesn't have to compete with a huge cast of characters and virtually carries the whole movie himself. Catherine O'Hara gets a lot more to do, which is always a good thing. John Candy is in it. The attack on Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern only lasts about 15 minutes, whereas in the sequel they are tortured to to the point of near death for almost half an hour. The creepy-neighbor-turned-nice-guy is completely endearing. So, yeah, it's actually a better movie. I love both and usually watch number 2 more times each Christmas, but looking back it's easy to see what made the franchise so popular in the first place. That reason is Culkin. And it's safe to say that child actors don't get cuter as they get older. So I have to admit it's probably better to check out this one if given the choice between the two.

Till next time,
Bradley

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Dear Erica,

Macaulay Culkin is up to his hi-jinks yet again in this remake of the first Home Alone. I call it a remake rather than a sequel since, let's be honest here, it's practically a scene for scene retread. Although I love the original Home Alone, I prefer this one for several reasons. It has three plot devices that I am partial to: Christmas, New York and hotels. I'm a sucker for movies that have virtually any of these dictating the action. New York (Woody Allen and Nora Ephron movies), hotels (Some Like it Hot) and Christmas (insert any Christmas movie here). Put them all together and I will think you have nothing short of a masterpiece. Home Alone 2 scores on all counts.

Catherine O'Hara and John Heard should probably be arrested for reckless endangerment of a child. In the first movie they seem genuinely shocked and horrified to forget their kid when they go on vacation. I get the feeling in this one that, yeah, they feel bad, but he's a big boy and will figure it out. There are a couple obligatory "NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME FROM FINDING MY CHILD" scenes, but mostly they laugh and reminisce over the last time they put their boy in jeopardy. Love it!

The hotel staff is priceless. Ever since Tim Curry made Clue, he can pretty much do no wrong in my eyes. He's particularly funny in this, playing up his British oaf routine to the max. I can safely say this is the only good Rob Schneider movie and (I can't believe I'm saying this) he's really good in his bit part. Dana Ivey manages to take any wee part she is handed and mine it for comedy gold. I actually have a funny story about her. She was slurping soup, all alone, in a swanky New York restaurant one time and everyone could feel her icy chill as she stared silently up from her bowl. Okay, maybe it's not that funny, but I thought I'd share anyway.

With such a great cast in the hotel, it's sort of a shame they brought back Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci as the bad guys. Culkin could have just as easily put the hotel staff through a maze of torture at the Plaza. Perhaps then it wouldn't have seemed like such a repeat of the original. Imagine what he could have done if he somehow rigged a bunch of hotel rooms. No disrespect to Stern or Pesci. They were great in the first one. But did we really need to see them return? Not when we have Tim Curry that could take a paint can to the face.

Along with Christmas Vacation, Jingle All the Way, Christmas With the Kranks and Mixed Nuts, this is the most watched Christmas flick on my shelf. I usually wait until December to break it out, but with the days going by faster and faster it seemed silly to hold off any longer.

Till next time,
Bradley

Love Actually

Dear Erica,

Every time I watch this movie I have a new favorite character or plot line. When I first saw the movie I was smitten with the girl who plays Hugh Grant's foul mouthed assistant. She's easily one of the most gorgeous women I have ever laid eyes on, and she's funny to boot. Then there is Keira Knightly's admirer. I have no idea who he is, but he's so endearing when he shows up at her doorstep to profess his feelings. I cry EVERY time I see the scene. Liam Neeson and his son are just so awesome together. When Christmas morning rolls around and Emma Thompson realizes her husband is having an affair, my heart breaks a million times over. Bill Nighy as the washed up rocker is easily the funniest character, although he has stiff competition from the British bloke on a trip to the USA. The only story line I have a hard time watching is the Laura Linney saga with her brother. When her cell phone keeps going off during her date with one of the most gorgeous people alive (who also just happens to be a good guy), I almost have to plug my ears and look away. It's just too devastating. Which, I suppose, is the point of the whole thing. Another reason I love this flick is for its awesome soundtrack. Not only does it have some terrific Christmas tunes, but it also has some kick-ass pop tunes from the early 2000's. I remember this movie came a couple years after 9/11 and was one of the first to use it as an emotional grabber. It certainly worked and this will always be one of my all time favorite movies. It's not easy to keep a cast this huge in line without confusing the audience, and this one never takes a misstep. Every time I watch it I find something new to love, so I think I'm going to pop it in again right now!

Till next time,
Bradley

Aretha Franklin

Dear Erica,

Aretha's Winter Wonderland is my ultimate Christmas recording. I usually wait until the first snowfall to bust this one out, but I couldn't wait. And I was so thrilled to have found it online. Do enjoy!



Till next time,
Bradley

Stockard Channing

Dear Erica,


It's hard to believe that it was TWO YEARS ago that we spent Thanksgiving in New York. It was a glorious holiday that I will never forget as long as I live. We did so many fun things, it's impossible to know where to begin. The Macy's parade, of course. Starbucks before the parade. Shopping on the pier underneath the Brooklyn Bridge. Pictures at Rockefeller Center. Avenue Q. Jamba Juice. Times Square. Central Park. Zabar's. Bryant Park. FAO Schwartz. Tiffany's. And on and on. But the one thing that stands out, and will stand the test of time, is seeing Stockard Channing live on stage. Holy crap, that was deliciously awful.

Stockard Channing was absolutely, completely, totally, unbelievably and disastrously miscast as Vera Charles in Roundabout's rinky dink revival of Rodgers and Hart's Pal Joey. I can't think of anyone worse for the role, except perhaps the other Channing from Hello, Dolly. Although I would have paid top dollar to see that as well. At 89 years old, I'm sure "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" describes her morning.

Not that Stockard Channing is far off from that age herself. Back when she made Grease in 1978, I think she was about 50 or 60 years old playing a teenager. While she may like playing roles decades younger than her actual age, I'm pretty sure Vera was not intended to be a post-menopausal hag in orthopedic shoes. But that's the version we got under director Joe Mantello's radically weird interpretation. It was startling to see this granny hoofing it from one side of the stage to the other. Well, "hoofing it" might be overstating her choreography. Although they did send that poor woman up and down an ugly spiral staircase about a thousand times. No wonder she spent the rest of the play propped up on a Posturpedic Adjustable Bed. She's supposed to be a woman who has hit the sheets with many men, but in this version she lounges in bed because, I don't know, she slipped a disc?

Then there is the other bizarre casting decision in the name of Matthew Risch. Plucked from the chorus to STAR as Joey in Pal-freaking-Joey was a wispy chorus boy whose only asset as an actor appeared to be his abs. Although lately that gets performers farther and father. Nowadays actors are studying their craft at Bally's Total Fitness. I'm sure Julliard now has a spinning class.

Thinking back, perhaps this is why Stockard seemed so damn old. Here was a respectable and mature actress carrying on with a slutty and juvenile twink. Was this the intention? Did Mantello decide that we've all seen the Oedipus story, where a son falls in love with his mother, so he instead chose to make it about a boy in love with someone who could be his grandmother? If so, he should probably see a therapist because that's just weird. This is Rodgers and Hart, not Harold and Maude.

I don't want to give the impression that I do not like Stockard Channing. In fact, quite the opposite is true. I have loved her for years and think she has a truly original comedic voice. She has the rare ability to deliver a punchline in a way you did not expect. Sure, I have often wanted to come at her with a face cloth. It might be that she uses a charcoal blush, but quite often it looks like she just came out of a mineshaft. And you know she smells of Pall Malls and flop sweat. But no matter, she's a terrific actress. I suppose it's not her fault for being miscast in this production that could best be described as a shambles. Why would she turn down a paying gig? At least she tried her best. Instead of warbling out the classic songs, she wisely chose to speak sing them all. Which is a shame, given Pal Joey has some of the best songs ever written for the musical theater. But I would rather hear them spoken than decimated. Here she can be seen resting during one of her big musical numbers.



As for Risch, I suppose I can't blame him either for nabbing a lead role when it presented itself. When you're young, you have no idea when you're out of your league. He spent the whole show floundering in Gene Kelly's enormous set of shoes. You sort of had to feel bad for the guy. That is until he lifted his shirt and out came the muscles. Then it was "screw you, buddy."

Despite the fact that the production was awful, there is no place I would have rather been on this Thanksgiving with you. From that day on, the songs of Pal Joey will mean Thanksgiving to me. Not many people have a soundtrack for this holiday, but just as "Silent Night" makes one think of Jesus in a manger, "I Could Write a Book" will remind me of stuffing in a turkey. And my bestest Thanksgiving friend.

Till next time,
Bradley

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Dear Erica,

Since I lived in the states for so long, I still like to celebrate the American Thanksgiving. Having it in the middle of October like we do in Canada just competes with Halloween, and certainly does not feel like the kick off to the Christmas season. It's more like an excuse for turkey followed by pumpkin carving. No, I prefer the holiday to be at the end of November. Lights are already hung on lamp posts, the malls are decked out in holly, and the day after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. Ah, Christmas! Every few years it actually lands on my birthday, so I suppose it's not only the kick off to Christmas, but also my birthday. So it's a double whammy!

Thanksgiving would not be the same without Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I never get tired of watching this one. Steve Martin is a jerk through most of it, but somehow the obnoxious but loveable John Candy manages to balance out his arrogance and make us understand how much he just wants to get home. It's not just one of the best movies of the 80's, or best Steve Martin movie, or best John Hughes comedy...it's one of the best ever. It's as simple as that.

For all intents and purposes, this is a road movie. As a rule, road movies are garbage. They are generally nothing more than a series of unfortunate events that pile up on the main characters until the movie hits 90 minutes, when it abruptly ends. This is perhaps the only road movie I can think of that is actually a comedic examination of the human condition disguised as a road movie. Sure, they face one obstacle after another, and they are all HILARIOUS, but it's really about watching two people become friends.

There are so many classic scenes it's impossible to know where to begin. "Those aren't pillows!" "My dogs are barking." "You're going the wrong way!" "Her first baby come out sideways." "This is your Diane Sawyer autographed earring." And the list goes on. But my favorite, as I'm sure it is for many, is the scene with the car rental and Edie McLurg. I'm not one who appreciates too much swearing in a movie, and this scene is why an otherwise family friendly movie got an R rating, but it's so hysterical that I am so pleased John Hughes had the balls to leave it in. Today he would have been so eager to get a PG rating that one of the most classic scenes of all time would never have seen the light of day. And here it is...



One last note. Every time I see this movie, I miss John Candy more and more. He was truly an original. How deserving that he has a classic film to his name that will never be forgotten.

Till next time,
Bradley

Christmas Clips

Dear Erica,

I didn't have time to watch a Christmas movie today since I was busy learning CPR and wound management at work. Nothing says happy holidays like "drowning" dummies and gauze. But I did find this nicely edited video on YouTube. I have not seen all of these movies and, from the looks of the clip, I should find them STAT!



Till next time,
Bradley

Saved by the Bell

Dear Erica,

Oh my god, I am a total Saved by the Bell geek. I love Zack's acid washed jeans, bloused shirts and mondo cell phone; Slater's jumbo workout shirts, with armpits down to his waist; Kelly's hair flip; Jessie's irrational behavior; the Lisa and Screech love affair. All of it, I love! And no episode makes me happier than "A Home for Christmas," when for some inexplicable reason a homeless man turns out to be living in a posh Beverly Hills mall. The kids all band together to save the homeless man and give him, you guessed it, a home for Christmas.

I may regret admitting it, but when I first saw this episode on TBS (back when everything started 5 minutes after the hour), I cried. I got the warm fuzzies when all of these over-privileged valley kids put their room temperature IQ's together and found a solution for this homeless man. The fact that they could open homeless shelters on every corner with their millions of dollars is beside the point. Besides, all the other homeless men aren't as attractive as the one they are saving anyway.

Watching this episode now (yes, I have every season of the show on DVD), I see that Zack really just wanted to get into the pants of the homeless man's daughter. He baits her with potato chips, fancy clothes and Christmas sing-alongs. Thank goodness this was the 90's and teenage shows were entirely innocent. Were this Gossip Girl, the plot would have gone has such: "I gave your dad a home, bitch. Now get in my bed."

Even when I am old and gray, I will continue to watch this episode each year. It reminds me of a time when I was a teenager, TV was innocent and cell phones were huge.

Till next time,
Bradley

Christmas With the Kranks

Dear Erica,

Typically when actors play mentally retarded characters it means they are grandstanding for awards. Which makes me wonder if Jamie Lee Curtis thought a movie titled Christmas With the Kranks, based on a vapid novella by John Grisham, would somehow land her in contention for an Oscar. Based on her portrayal of Nora Krank, an oddly old fashioned housewife in modern day Chicago, it seems to me she studied Sean Penn's performance in I Am Sam for pointers. Either that or enrolled in acting classes taught by Corky from Life Goes On.

I don't mean to be offensive or politically incorrect, but if you've seen the movie you will know where I'm coming from. The movie is about a couple who, after their daughter goes away to college, decides to skip Christmas in favor of a cruise. The entire neighborhood revolts against the Kranks and does everything in their power to get them into the holiday spirit. Much of the plot revolves around getting an 8 foot Frosty the Snowman perched precariously on their rooftop. Why they are so gung-ho about hoisting this tacky plastic lawn ornament on their roof is unclear in the movie. In the book it's because the neighborhood is involved in a contest for the best decorated street in Chicago. Somehow that plot point got chopped out of the movie, which makes all the neighbors look like raving psychopaths. Perhaps they studied Kathy Bates in Misery for their inspiration. Judging from their total insanity, it's quite possible.

Tim Allen co-stars as Luther Krank. Allen makes 5 or 6 Christmas movies a year, so it's understandable that a rotten one will slip into his filmography. Contrary to what you may be thinking, I'm actually referring to The Santa Clause 3. Wow, that movie sucks. It's a fiasco on an entirely different level than this one. Kranks is dreadful, to be sure, but it's one of those "so bad, it's GREAT" movies. Clause 3 is just deplorable in every way.

Back to the Kranks and Jamie Lee Curtis. Rather than dealing with last minute Christmas arrangements, what the movie should address is Nora's urgent need for medication. Let's take a look at the facts...

1) Her paranoia runs rampant. At one point she crawls on the floor like an army trooper and then hides under the covers because she thinks Dan Ackroyd is spying on her.

2) She's obsessive. At the grocery store she goes ballistic over a hickory honey ham, tackling some old lady in the freezer section.

3) She acts like a child. After said feud at the grocery store, her ham is obliterated by an 18 wheeler and she throws a temper tantrum in the parking lot. She pounds her fists on the concrete and cries for the whole city to hear. Yet she's worried what people think when she's doing her laundry at home?

4) Her fashion sense. At one point she squeezes into a Christmas vest that appears to have been made for a Cocker Spaniel. It would barely fit a mid-sized pooch, let alone her mid-life paunch.

5) She's bat shit crazy. She invites a strange man, who appears to be some sort of creepy pedophile, to her Christmas party. Where children will be present!

Instead of a Christmas party, the neighbors should be holding an intervention for this woman in desperate need of help. Her secret Santa should buy her a straight jacket and commit her to an institution for the holidays. Now THAT would be an interesting movie. Then Jamie Lee Curtis might win an Oscar after all.

Till next time,
Bradley